Stiff Living

Moving home from college was one of the hardest toll taking tasks I have encountered in a while.

Tomorrow I need to figure out when all my doctors appointments are in prep for the summer.

also buy books for summer courses.

I’m stresssssed.

Shits and giggles.

So a few days ago, I thought it’d be funny to start a corn on the cob eating contest. My body is still regretting corn. There’s the shits.
Here’s the giggles (only not so much more like regrettable decision)

I had some a-a-a-a-alcohol left over in my dorm I wanted to get rid of before I go home next Friday, it’s the last Saturday I’ll be here so I drank it. I drank it with my Methotrexate, I drank it with my vit D, I drank it with my Prednisone, I drank it with my antibiotic, I drank it with my injection.

v. fun at first. (there is the giggles) I hardly ever drink w/es
EXCEPT! My heart feels weird now.
My stomach hurts a ton.

On top of that, being off meds for a month due to being sick, means everything has been in much pain. My hips currently, OH MY GOD, and my left knee FUCK! my feet hurt and my hands stop working randomly.

I’m dumb.
thank you college.

I’m on antibiotics for 2 weeks, so I cannot take my RA meds and I AM DYING THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

p.s.

I have the flu and it is horrible.

I didn’t give anybody the flu, because I didn’t exchange body fluids with anybody. I didn’t sneeze on the shit you touch, nor cough on it. I disinfected the door handle and I didn’t touch the light switch. I have a 102 degree fever because I’m fucking immuno compromised because I have a fucking autoimmune disease. That will not happen to any of my first floor mates.  I hate everybody. I am off RA meds for 2 weeks and if I do not kill anybody in backlash of the pain I am likely to be in during this time, I will be one proud lady.

When people complain about their cold causing some moderate joint pain, and I’m just like; mother fucker try RA.

injection dayz

My knees are more swollen then they were the first time I ever had a flare up.
My hips hurt, everything hurts I took my enbrel and nothing.
I want to cry for years
I want to be healthy.
fuck.

List of current anxieties about having an incurable disease.

1.) It’s incurable, so will I be severely handicapped someday?

2.) It hates my liver, when is that going to go, and who’s going to lend me a hunk of theirs?

3.) What’s being pregnant going to be like someday, since I cannot take my meds while being pregnant.

4.) Am I going to get switched to Remicade, and is that going to be worse than Methotrexate?

5.) Will Methotrexate catch up with my hair? I’ve been growing this bitch out for 3 years now, since I chopped it pixie style.

6.) Do I cry more because things hurt more?

7.) I can’t remember what a day without hurting somewhere felt like, aside from a low pain level day. Will I ever get that?

8.) When does it start attacking organs, because I know that happens.

9.) When will I finally stop fainting from blood work.

10.) Will it finally hit me after 13 years, that nothing will ever be the same as it was before that day I cried to my mom because I couldn’t tie my shoes? When is that whammy going to hit, I’m always waiting for positive news.

But then I remember I have cool friends, and a pretty cool family, and I enjoy my hobbies, and I can deal with throw-up because i can put pictures of it in my zine, and nose bleeds, and even split lips. But maybe once, I might trade with someone for a day, just to see what healthy feels like again.

Oh well, as long as I can flex my butt. Enjoy this pic of me, doin’ something dumb, as I remember I’ve never let anything stop me before, so this summer I will be climbing a mountain…